Some people seek counselling because they want to understand confusing emotions they feel about themselves or others or as a result of a difficult conversation, an event or often some past experiences. Some, before making a call to a psychotherapist, attempt to help themselves by engaging in a variety of different activities, including sports, socialising and ‘doing’ other therapies. However, it is worth remembering, that it is usually through psychotherapy that we can discover and make sense of how and why we function and operate as human beings.

It is usually through trying to understand our relationship with others that we can begin to make sense of ourselves and most importantly of emotions that overtake us in times of crisis or prolonged stress.

When in therapy it is not unusual to experience a sense of shock followed by a sense of revelation that it is actually the relationship with ourselves that stores the most healing for our other relationships that at present bring so much distress and dissatisfaction.

Understandably it usually proves much more difficult to look at ourselves than others. After all it is so much easier to say ‘it was him or it’s her…’. However, when we find convincing ourselves that all our difficulties stem exclusively from other people’s doings then it is worth thinking about if perhaps (just perhaps!) we are also playing one of the parts of the drama triangle.

The drama triangle is a concept which describes psychological roles we can play in various situations, scenarios and relationships. The name drama comes from the Classical Greek meaning ‘action’. In English, before William Shakespeare’s time, drama was described by words ‘play’ or ‘game’. All these words may be very useful when we try to understand the drama triangle which we may be involved in. It is important to note that the drama triangle dynamic often takes place in relationships where an addiction is already a well established issue, but also in other relationships where there is some kind of a dysfunction. After all, we all play certain roles in all sorts of social situations. However, some of the roles are not going to be helpful at all.

Let us take a closer look at the three roles, which we can identify on the drama triangle.

• The rescuer – this is a role which enables us to help others as much as it’s practically possible. We continue to help even when we have exhausted all our energy and resources. However, when we find ourselves in this role we will not be able to recognise that we have been offering help beyond our capabilities. We will begin to feel more and more tired. And… more and more resentful. After all, we have been supporting and helping for some time and we still don’t see any change or any benefits from our actions. Both the physical and emotional exhaustion will cause us to switch to play a different role on the drama triangle – the persecutor or the victim.

• The persecutor – here we have had enough of helping and rescuing. We feel angry, we are full of resentment and we try a different tactic – force. We still try to help, but by applying some force, some anger, usually. Unfortunately what usually happens, the person we want to change is not responding and that tends to send us to feeling absolutely furious with them. The chain reaction is that after we have displayed our anger and frustration to them we begin to feel guilty as well. This tends to create a shift in us and we switch back to rescuing. This usually continues for some time until we feel we have no energy left in us and we do not want to continue with life. We feel helpless and useless. We feel like victims.

• The victim – when we find ourselves in the victim position we feel absolutely horrible about ourselves – unable to see any way out of the confusing and utterly difficult situation. This can last for some time but it tends to end as well. And when it does we switch to playing… either a rescuer (…right, this time I will succeed and I will show them that I can make them change…) or a persecutor (…ok, they’re not going to be making me feel like that, I will not tolerate to be treated like that! …).

And the cycle begins again… It usually takes a few drama triangle cycles before we notice that we literally go ‘round in cycles’, and before we decide to change it. What we often find is the fact that it is very hard to leave the drama triangle and to set up a new, much healthier dynamic. We try and we fail, and we again end up playing a part of the well known drama.

In psychotherapy sessions we can not only learn about the drama triangle and our part in it but also we can begin to make permanent changes within our psyche, which will help us to not get hooked on the drama triangle in the first place.

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There is always hope that one day an addict will be able to control their drinking and at the same time find pleasure in it. This obsession is faced by every person with an addiction. The illusion is surprisingly strong, very lively and usually long lived. Most will hold on to it even when facing a mental health breakdown or even death.

We all know people who use a lot of alcohol or drugs and seem to be doing just fine. We hear from time to time that they have made a horrible scene in public, they got stopped by the police or that they hurt themselves but for one reason or another they have somehow managed to get away unharmed and with no major consequences.

We also know people who despite leading intensely drugs and alcohol fueled lives seem active and happy. However, when we take a closer look, or perhaps we simply allow ourselves to spend more time with them, we will hear about pressures at work, unhappy marriage, difficulties growing up, feelings of being unable to fit in. Sounds familiar? Well, let’s think about high functioning addicts (HFA).

There are a few characteristics we will need to consider:

• Denial – this is a phase of any addiction where one is not able to recognise that the habit has already got out of hand. There are already negative consequences in one’s life, usually minor ones to begin with. However they are usually attributed to bad luck or to the fact that everyone experiences setbacks in life. Family members, friends and employers know very well how scary and frustrating it is to be around someone who denies they have a problem. How many times have they believed that they will see a change in behaviour as promised? How many times have they felt betrayed and ignored? And how many times have they felt disappointment which has begun to corrode their own sense of self? It is very painful to observe a loved one who is clearly getting sicker and sicker and who continues to say confidently that they are just fine.

• Leading a double life – sooner or later HFA will begin to disguise the negative consequences of their addiction. They will begin to lead a double life with lies filling every space of their existence. This will lead to extreme tiredness, forgetfulness and irritability. The person will become less reliable and more and more withdrawn.

• Work and finances – the high functioning addict continues to work and does it effectively. They tend to earn a decent amount and can afford to be discreet with their addiction. However as it is with any addiction, the use (or behaviour) will begin to increase in time, be it alcohol, drugs, gambling or any other type. Sooner or later the HFA will reach a stage when they cannot see life without their substance.

• Increased tolerance – as mentioned above the tolerance of the substance or behaviour will change and the person will feel the need to use more and more in order to feel the same effects as they did when they started using. Health will begin to suffer. It will become more and more difficult to go through the day without using (e.g. beer, wine, cocaine, tablets, a quick visit to bookies) and it also becomes impossible not to have anything at the end of the working day, perhaps even in the train on the way home. At some point even more serious psychological consequences will begin to surface – anxiety, depression, low confidence, anger.

• Relationships – they are socially active and manage to keep their relationships and often are viewed as charming and friendly. Unfortunately the overwhelming tiredness of having to lie, pretend and come up with excuses will slowly but consequently begin to feel like a very lonely existence.

• Law – they break the law often but there are still no serious consequences in relation to their actions.

I have recently heard someone say that there isn’t anything helpful that could be offered to addicts as they simply do not know their limits. There is some truth in it, however the issue is much more complicated. Addiction can be viewed from both subjective and objective points of view.

Subjectively one can say, ‘well I drink a lot, in fact every day and it’s never caused any problem to me or anyone else’. The same person can say it even when there is a long list of negative consequences associated with their behaviour when under the influence. From their subjective point of view they are no addicts. And here lies the challenge – how does one convince an addict that what they do is harmful and is leading them to a lonely and painful existence?

A subjective perspective allows us to notice negative consequences and often accurately predict that if the behaviour continues the negatives will be even more dire and unpleasant.

One of the consequences a high functioning addict (HFA) will fail to notice is an increasing dependence on the substance or behaviour (e.g. gambling, shopping. facebook(ing)). There will be gradually more of it, there will be unsuccessful attempts to stop or control, occupational or recreational activities will reduce over time, more and more time will be spent in activities necessary to obtain, to use or to simply recover from the effects of using, and there will be withdrawal symptoms as well – irritability, tiredness, inability to concentrate, sweatiness, shakiness, vomiting, inability to eat, inability to relax, etc.

I hope the above is already showing that the high functioning addict stops being able to exercise their choice and will, and that at some point they will enter a phase of their lives where they are simply unable to make a choice to stop. How could they if they are not able to notice all the negative effects that have been already mentioned here? This is the time when they will need professional help.

So what support is there?

There are quite a few options ranging from private treatment, fellowship meetings to specialist institutions. However, the effectiveness will greatly depend on the person’s readiness and involvement in the treatment. Family members and anyone else who is close to a HFA could also consider treatment, which for the most part would support the person to not be engaged in psychological games, which can also take place. Here it would be useful to read about the drama trange. I will present the principles of it in the next text.

Take care,
Mirek

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As you probably know there are quite a lot of different therapeutic approaches to choose from. Some say more than 400! There are also a lot of therapists who subscribe to different schools and philosophies and who, consciously and unconsciously, recommend that you choose a certain approach.

When you go to see your GP they are likely to refer you to a short-term CBT-based counselling or perhaps tell you straight that you would benefit from a longer-term or simply open-ended counselling. But even when you are ready and willing to embark on this life-changing journey, which type of therapy will you choose?

In fact, this question is more than valid: How does one choose the therapist and the therapeutic modality? It is a daunting task, I must say, and we, therapists, know exactly how difficult it is. After all we all have been there.

There are two issues that spring to mind. First is the choosing of the right therapist and second the already mentioned their therapeutic approach. Both decisions are crucially important as they may impact on your future view on the so called talking treatment.

I am now going to attempt to briefly describe one of the approaches – the attachment based therapy.

This approach is based on the attachment theory, which explains how early life relationships shape our adult relationships. Something which many people take for granted, but at the same time something which isn’t easily understood, unless explored and appreciated.

You can only begin to imagine how dependent you were as a child. You believed in literally everything your parents were telling you or in the way they were behaving with you. Why wouldn’t you? This was your world, this was your reality! In short this would have determined how you were responding to them in order to feel safe and secure. This in turn would have slowly created your own unique way of operating within intimate relationships, which is likely to be in operation right now, too.

The challenge is that what was working for you then, when you were a child, isn’t necessarily helpful now. You may find yourself feeling extremely challenged your partner expects you to be very close with them for an extended period of time or you may feel extremely confused when they tell you they need to be on their own. You may begin to wonder why they behave this way and whether they still love you at all? The truth is that the attachment based therapy can not only provide answers but can also help you learn how to navigate the difficult and often confusing feelings which arise whenever you get closer to someone or when you leave them, for that matter. If you happen to travel with work you may be familiar with these difficult and confusing feelings belonging to yourself or to your partner.

A lot of people come to therapy because they feel anxiety, deep sadness or depression, experience panic attacks or feel lack of motivation and also find no joy in things they used to enjoy up until fairly recently. Short-term therapy usually helps with managing the obvious presenting issues, which in many cases come back after some time. Longer term therapy, on the other hand, like the attachment based therapy, can help with identifying root causes of your today’s difficulties and through the safe and appropriately paced exploration with your well-meaning therapist you will are able to achieve more permanent and more satisfying changes and if you commit yourself then you have a chance to amaze yourself with the new life changing quality of your life. In order to get there the attachment based therapy usually takes some time as exploration of the mentioned early relationships is crucial and in case you have experienced trauma(s), quite challenging but also liberating.

There is also the case of choosing the right therapist. Research and experience show that the best and most effective therapies are carried out by people with whom we feel safe and whom we feel we can trust. Again, depending on your unique style of attaching to others, you will need some time to feel fully comfortable with your therapist – a stranger sitting opposite you in a strange room. But if you allow yourself to form this relationship, you will have a chance to create the changes within you that you have wanted for a very long time.

I recommend that you listen to yourself carefully. And when you do, you will know if your therapist is the right one for you.

Take care.

Mirek

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Mondays – 6.30-8.30pm – starting on 12^th October 2015

My vision for the MEN’S GROUP is to create a safe space for men to be together and to explore what is important and what matters to them. A space where men can get a greater understanding of what it means to them to be a man in today’s world, a space where they can take a closer look at the emotional side of their lives – their anger, sadness, confusion, relationship issues, power and control issues, their pride, parental challenges and addictive tendencies. Also a space where male friendships can begin and continue.

I invite men to join the men’s group where you will be able to experience the energy of being a part of the male only group. I offer an opportunity to explore your life with other men, to find out what masculinity means to you, to take a closer look at various issues which may be preventing you from living your life to the fullest, your anger, depression, relationship issues or addictions. You will also have a chance to make new connections and friends.

The group will run on Monday evenings (6.30-8.30) for 2 hours in London Bridge.

Start day – Monday, 12^th October 2015

The group will run with 6-12 men for 10 weeks at a time. The cost is £30 per evening.

Men are invited to join the group for one set of 10 weeks only or to remain a part of the group on a longer term basis.

Group facilitator – Mirek Polanowski, counsellor and pedagogue, MBACP, FDAP

I work with individuals, couples and groups. I specialise in working with addictions, couples counselling, depression, anxiety, trauma and men’s issues.

The idea of entering counselling or a group therapy can be quite challenging, particularly for some men. Each of us will have our own reasons to feel daunted to ask for help. The notion that ‘men don’t talk’ and ‘boys don’t cry’ is still very much present and reaching for help can be seen as one’s weakness. It is not uncommon that men (and women) seek other forms of support with their overwhelming emotions and/or confusing thoughts. Addictions such as alcoholism, drug taking, prescribed medication, shopping, gambling, etc are all too common nowadays. This can lead to feeling lonely, isolated, often marginalised, depressed and misunderstood.

However, my professional and personal experience (as a father, brother, son), helps me in offering the very high standard service to my clients. I am particularly interested in issues and challenges associated with men’s lives such as anger, addictions, relationship issues, depression, providing as a man, pride and isolation.

If you’d like to read more about me please visit: http://www.counsellingsessionslondon.com/counselling-london-about-me/

WHO CAN JOIN THE GROUP

The group is open to all men, including young adults, who come from any background, status, any faith or culture and who can communicate in English.

Whether you are married, single, divorced, a dad, gay, straight does not matter. You are invited.

Whether you are a Christian, Muslim, Hindu or an atheist it does not matter. You are invited.

What matters only is your openness and willingness to take part in the process which is created when people get together. If you are willing to listen and be listened, give and receive feedback, discover new ways of relating, share your new insights with the group, you are invited.

The participation in the group can help you with the following issues: anger and/or rage, addictive behaviours, sadness and depression, relationship and communication problems, difficulties in feeling proud as a man, feelings of loneliness. This can also be a healthy way to learn more about life in general within a safe and supportive group of men trying to achieve similar.

HOW TO JOIN THE GROUP

For more information please contact me on 07989137034 or send an email to info@counsellingsessionslondon.com. You will be able to arrange a meeting with me so that you can discuss the group and explore if this particular group is the best form of support you should be seeking in this time of your life. This consultation is free and there is no obligation to join the group if you feel it is not right for you.

WHAT HAPPENS IN THE GROUP

The group is governed by the group rules which are set by the members in the first meeting. Men usually sit in a circle however you will discover that there is a lot of space for freedom and creativity.

Once the group have settled men share their thoughts and feelings in relation to what seems to be most important that evening or they follow a theme suggested by me. I provide topics and themes each evening however the group can decide whether to use them or not. There will be a session or two when certain topics will be a part of the programme, e.g. anger, communication.

Each man is offered a space and time to express himself so that not only he feels a part of the group but also a group has a chance to develop into one which is safe and trusting with plenty of scope to carry out as much self-reflections as practically possible.

The group provides a space for creative exploration of what hurts, what matters and what evokes your curiosity, therefore I might introduce various exercises including drawing, working in smaller groups or pairs, role playing or even singing.

Counselling and psychotherapy for men

I offer my counselling services from my London Bridge therapy rooms, The Clapham Awareness Centre therapy room, The Croydon Top Medical Clinic therapy room as well as in Coulsdon at The Therapy and Life Clinic.

I provide both short term (usually solution focused) therapy as well as open ended.

I deal with various issues such as addictions, depression, anger, anxiety, couples relationship issues, bereavement, trauma, men’s issues.

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Everyone of us has suffered some form of trauma at least once in our lifetime. Sometimes it doesn’t take much for us to feel extremely stressed. We all know the feeling – being under pressure from work, having experienced a death of a relative, having lost a job, having to move home. These are all very emotional situations, which will result in us feeling extremely vulnerable. In certain cases they can lead us to feeling depressed, anxious, angry and some of us will also start questioning our own sense of self.

Trauma in a clinical sense is only when it’s too much of something and when we can’t deal with it anymore. This will happen when a traumatic stressor is huge – war, terror, earthquake, rape, kidnapping, abuse, a car crash.
What I want to concentrate on here is a particular for of trauma – the childhood abuse, which a lot of people still suffer from as adults.

Unfortunately, despite a lot of efforts to eradicate the child abuse and neglect, this still happens and continues to plague not only the developing world, but the well advanced countries, too.
I find it especially sad, as it seems that Janusz Korczak, the man who inspired me to work with the human suffering, the man who was trying his best to improve the situation of children and to influence the policymakers, only achieved a tiny bit of what he had intended. Nevertheless, his legacy and the need for work continues. The issue is now even more and more current as nowadays we have a lot of children being raised by other children. This never results in new generations being healthy and strong. After all how are they supposed to learn solid ethics and principles from those who still lack them themselves… This is probably a topic for another blog.

As a counsellor I work quite a lot with those who suffered abuse and neglect when they were children. I offer support to the people who were once traumatised by those who were supposed to be the carers, providers and loving figures. It is extremely sad when this happens as it causes a lot of confusion in a child’s mind. A child is not equipped to deal with such conflicting scenarios where both love and abuse come from the same person. On the one hand we can assume that a child’s needs are quite simple – he/she needs a good nurturing adult, good food, shelter, development promoting stimuli. On the other hand the child is the most complex being we can imagine. The child needs a lot of love, indeed. But the love required will be something more than just a cuddle and a hot soup. The child needs to be held in a loving person’s mind, the child needs to be confident that he/she won’t be forgotten and put aside. The child needs to know that he/she is the most important person in the whole wide world. Of course, with time and maturation, other possibilities need to enter the child’s consciousness as well, e.g. I am not the only one in this world and others and pretty important, too. But before the child is able to deal with this notion, he/she needs to believe that there isn’t anything else more important than him/her. This requires a life long commitment from a parent.

Childhood trauma, neglect, emotional, physical, sexual abuse, will make the child shut down emotionally for many years to come, sometimes forever. The child, sadly, will start believing that he/she is the cause of all bad things happening to him/her. In adulthood this negative thinking can still continue and dominate the whole life. This can become quite crippling resulting in self-hatred and a conviction that ‘I am bad’. No wonder that it is then so difficult for some to achieve the best of what they intend to do. A lot of people are quite aware of what they want but for some reason they feel they are not able to ‘reach for it’. Often they don’t know why.
It is not uncommon that through therapy certain painful memories start to come back and the recovery can begin. Counselling can help to deal with feelings of inadequacy, low self-esteem, poor confidence and a general belief that life will bring no good.
Sometimes we need to take a risk and try. Sometimes the first step is going to be the most difficult, however, most people who engage in a therapeutic process benefit from it. Your attitude is important, of course. The more positive you are towards the process of change, the greater the results. It is not uncommon that once we have begun the process we tend to become more and more self-aware, which can result in us growing in terms of our confidence and abilities to make more beneficial decisions, including those associated with our both personal and professional lives.

All in all, my belief is that counselling and psychotherapy can help us feel much better and come to terms with the childhood negative experiences, which at times can still be so haunting. Counselling can help us deal with the all strong and overwhelming emotions and it can also help us take control of our emotional lives.

Mirek Polanowski – counsellor in private practice in London Bridge, Clapham, Croydon and Coulsdon.

25th August 2015

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What are they talking about? What do they mean? Everyone is drinking and everyone is having such a great time, you might think…

The thing with the drink is that it has been with people or thousands of years, in every culture, throughout every historical period and event. Some people can drink without any issues, others on the other hand, seem to be getting into some kind of problems when they drink of when they’re under the influence of alcohol. Which group of people you could be categorised under is not for me to decide, however if you have been told a number of times that you change after you have been drinking, that you’re totally different, then it is possibly for you to do some thinking about it.

Counselling can help you with it. In a safe and confidential space you have an opportunity to explore the meaning of alcohol in your life. Is it something that you use because others drink as well? Do you drink to feel more confident and relaxed in social situations? Do you perhaps drink to unwind after work or to feel less anxious and you have noticed that you have been drinking on a daily basis lately? Or do you drink only occasionally but for a few days in a row and perhaps end up in a situation? Do you drink when certain feelings overwhelm you – anger, sadness, depression?

All of these questions and the meaning behind them can be explored with a counsellor.

It is difficult to be descriptive and authoritarian about alcohol. It affects us differently and the benefits of drinking will be different, too. It is for you to consider the meaning of drinking in your life (and lives of your close ones as well, perhaps). To begin to do so can be a scary and daunting prospect. Where do I begin, you might ask yourself?

Well, if you are concerned or perhaps you notice your friends or family worry about it, a quick phone call to a counsellor could make a huge difference, thinking about your future. Or it might not, if you decide that you’re managing your use safely. However, if you decided to make the step, I am confident it could give you a piece of mind.

And isn’t it just that that we are so keen on getting?

04/08/2015

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These are, of course, valid concerns, as most of us find it challenging to engage with the unknown.

What I find encouraging is the fact with despite the fears, concerns and anxiety, there is something in us which still makes us seek help and support. Call it the life wish, if you like.

Some people will consider therapy because their main difficulty is the anxiety itself. However, when coupled with the anxiety associated with therapy, this can be overwhelming indeed. This needs to be recognised.

The thing about therapy is that we often fear what we might unearth which is now deeply buried because we chose to forget it or the repression processes took charge when our world was too dangerous and when this very process was initiated to protect us. In therapy, and in life in general, we do think about the past, whether we like it or not. We also think about the now and the future. Our thinking can be very shifting and we can recognise various themes which overlap and often it is difficult to consciously stop ourselves to stay only in the present (although mindfulness exercises can be quite helpful with that).

Therapy can help make sense of various events, thoughts, feelings. It can help us make links between what is forgotten but still very much present in the form of our feelings, emotions and often behaviours or the way we are in general. The anxiety, depression, deep sadness or anger can be understood thanks to therapy. And as with anything else in life, the bigger picture we have about something, the less anxiety provoking it becomes. The more we know and understand the better decisions we can take.

But you can say, well, I already know a lot about myself, my past, my parents, their parents and the context of my life. And yet it means very little in terms of my well-being. I still feel very anxious or depressed or angry. It almost seems irrational.

The somewhat metaphorical answer to that is this:

When you buy a packet of cigarettes nowadays you see a very bold message ‘smoking kills’. It is written very clearly, black on white. It doesn’t offer any probability (maybe, perhaps), the message is decisive and authoritarian – smoking kills -. And yet a lot of people continue smoking having the full knowledge about negative effects of smoking. Why? A lot of people might have full knowledge about their condition (e.g. depression, anxiety, addiction) but continue to feel ill. Why?

At the same time we have heard a lot about people who have stopped smoking after many years of active using. We have also heard about people whose mental health has improved through therapy or otherwise.

It is my belief, that therapy can help us make this transition. In therapy you can not only gain the intellectual knowledge through some psycho-education. What is more important is the fact that in the safe space offered by a therapist you can explore your full understanding of the difficulty, not only from an intellectual perspective, but also from the feelings and emotions perspective. It is when the knowledge stored in our heads and brains travels the longest journey a human being can make (about 50 cm!), which is to our hearts, it can then be integrated, fully understood and made a part of our human make up. It is then when we are able to make a fully informed decision to stop smoking and it is then when the anxiety or depression can be lifted as well (perhaps the ‘need’ for it to protects our vulnerable selves, won’t be there anymore).

Therapy can be one place when such journey takes place and when it does, a great feeling of liberation will come.

01/08/2015

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